Two guys walk into a bar You would think the second guy would have ducked.

I lost my eldest daughter to suicide. One down, two to go

Sleeping pills? Who needs those? We’ve got PowerPoint.

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife* [2 hours later] Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

Women are super awesome at remembering insults but we have the memory of a goldfish with compliments and need them repeated continually.

[LPT] Choose the song you hate the most as your alarm tone and place your phone as far as possible Then turn your phone off and sleep like a champion.

There are two rules for success… 1. Never reveal everything that you know.

A dog made out of diamonds is everyone’s best friend.

What you call a penis that doesn’t satisfy a woman? Yours

Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? It was a small medium at large.