What do you call a gorilla with a harpsichord? A silverbach.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

Did you know Kurt Cobain’s gun was named Success? It went right to his head.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him. Just one but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.

Im tired of chasing people who wont chase me… from today on the ice cream man can go fuck himself.

They’ve just added no stockpiling paperclips’ to the employee handbook like they knew what I was planning.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a brick? Bricks get laid.

If you’re wearing sandals with pants on i just want you to know I’m the one who spit on the back of your shirt.

What did Vladimir Putin say after dropping a smashing one-liner? Putout