Any time someone tells you they’re “about 20 minutes away” they’re lying. They haven’t left yet.

What do you call it when the lead singer of U2 fights with himself? Bono-y-Bono

I gave love a bad name. I called it Harold.

What do you get when you shoot a Mexican golfer? A hole in Juan

There was a black out last night. Don’t worry, we got him.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I’m in public

What do you call a flatulent teacher? A tutor

A french gymnast is getting ready to perform… His coach walks up and says, “Break a leg!”

An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought…What is it? Don’t look down! My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

Back in my day, we didn’t watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.