What’s the best score you can get on a test? “Not Pregnant”

[the followin is based on a true story] *clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year* Narrator: its like he forgets its there

What game do tornadoes like to play? -Twister

My friend thanked me for inviting him along to Fight Club. I replied “Don’t mention it.”

Q: What’s a blonde’s favourite wine? A: “Daaaddy I want to go to Miaaami!”

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine’s day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.

I’m surprised more people didn’t know about the NSA spying programs I mean most of our computers are labelled “Intel”

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind…I’m still not sure I’d want too…I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I’m annoying.

Avian Oprah outside my bedroom window: “YOU get a worm! And YOU get a worm!” They’re going nuts out there.

I saw a black guy carrying a TV down the street the other day so I had to run back home and check that mine was still there. It’s OK though, mine was still there, just sitting there shining my shoes.