*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Every minivan without an honor student bumper sticker should be required to have one that says, “My child is a disappointment.”

I didn’t see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock…

What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Paddy’s Day.

What’s the pirate’s least favorite letter? Dear sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright…

I watch zombie movies to prepare myself if one day it really happens. Same for porn.

HOW DO WELSH PEOPLE EAT CHEESE? CAERPHILLY

Why can’t gingers run? Because they have no soles

Woman:”Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Man: “Either way love, we’ll be having sex in a minute”

When a man speaks in the forest and there is no wife to hear… is he still wrong?