According to my current parking spot I’m a physician

Spatula would be a pretty name for a girl. A girl who spreads easily.

I would absolutely slay the dating game if looks and personality didn’t matter

*has no girlfriend or kids* *gives out dating and parenting advice*

My son walks in on me masturbating. He asks me what am i doing. I say, don’t worry son you will be doing it soon. Why dad? he asks. Because my arm is getting tired

Responded to a “you up” text at 3AM with “Let me play with your teeth.” The reply ten minutes later: “no.” This is already my favorite year.

How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He holds the bulb and the room spins.

Only 5 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

An ex girlfriend is like a box of chocolates… …they’ll both kill your dog

Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said “What ya doin’?” She said “Buying luggage.”