HER: What’s your cell plan? ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You? HER: … ME: … HER: … V-Verizon.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission. Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

What has two legs and is covered in blood? Half a dog.

Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

I bet you want to hear a ghost joke right? Thats the spirit.

Did you hear about the woman who replaced her addiction to ornithology with alcohol? She was described as being off her tits.

There are 2 types of people in the world The ones who can count.

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Consuelo Pronounced – Cunts-way-low

I got a call from Egypt today. They tried to get me involved in a pyramid scheme. (Credit to my wife for this one)

Has anyone ever told you what it’s like to be royally screwed? Let me fill you in.