Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

I was an unpopular child I got beat up a lot at school, but even though my teachers couldn’t stop the beatings, they did give me a gym credit for them.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

A man with multiple-personality disorder walked into a bar. No he didn’t.

Electing Trump would really strengthen our dollar Sincerely, Canada

Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver

The youngest daughter of a cannibalistic family was late to dinner She got the cold shoulder

[on date] HER: I cant see u anymore ME (hiding under table): lol I know H: no I mean I cant see u anymore M (still under table): lol I know

definitions of twerk 1. to dance and gyrate in a sexually explicit manner 2. what a native of Brooklyn New York says where he goes in the morning