I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too! Hey Reddit! What is your favorite Mitch Hedburg joke?

What do you get when you mash up an avagadro? Guacamole.

Police always seem disappointed when they realise those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old chocolate wrappers not drugs.

What should you NOT name your pet chicken? Robin, else he’ll be robin the cock

Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.

[Sees cute barista] I’ll have a quickie. Barista: Sir, it’s called an espresso.

Shoutout to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.

The bartender says….. “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here!” A tachyon enters a bar.

[NSFW] Warning Explicit Content This form is explicit. y=x^2

How are women like KFC? After your done munching on the breasts and thighs, you have a nice greasy box to put your bone in