What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. She’s already been told twice.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan… An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, “It’s getting hot in here!”, and the sausage replies “Wow! A talking egg!”

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate the headphone jack.

Honeymooners (II) Her friend asked how the honeymoon went. “OK,” she said. “Though Niagara Falls wasn’t as big as I hoped, either.”

What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? A show off

What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a convertable? I keep one in my garage and one in my closet. Edit:typo.

[GoT Spoiler] Olly really wanted to know how.. Jon came back from the dead, but instead, Jon just left him hanging.

A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat… He said, “We have supporters all around the globe!!!”

My dad said the key to a good marriage is “never go to bed mad.” Then he said “In fact, never go to bed at all!” and handed me a bag of meth