I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

Having a good friend is just like peeing your pants. Everybody can see it but only you feel that warm sensation of happiness.

Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly? They’re going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history” -my relatives

What’s a bad way to stop a pedophile? Tell him to think of the children.

Why could the witch never get the enchantments right? She forgot to use Spell Check.

Waiter: Why didn’t you make all the food on that long order? Cook: Because I’m a short order cook.

Julie: What time is it? Counsellor: Three o’clock. Julie: Ohno! Counsellor: What’s the matter? Julie: I’ve been asking the time all day. And everybody gives me a different answer!

Ladies: Is your boyfriend the strong, silent type? Is he carved out of wood? Ladies, you may be dating a garden gnome.

What happened when the communists took over the airport? The planes kept Stalin.