How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base? I don’t know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.

I like my women how I like my wine… …Locked down in the basement

A 75 year old rich man marries a 20-yo beautiful woman… And a friend of his comes to ask how did he manage to pull that off. “I told her I was 90”.

How did Darth Vader know what Leah got Luke for Christmas? He felt his presents.

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…

I got an STD from a hipster. My doctor said he’s never heard of it.

Guy talking to a girl Guy: I have a joke about my penis. Ah… forget get, it’s too long. Girl: I have a joke about my vagina. You won’t get it.

Crueless joke Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

You might be a redneck What’a the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as he hits a windshield? His asshole….

I don’t think Twitter’s real. I think I’m in a mall in 1987 listening to “I Think We’re Alone Now” & my mind invented Twitter to protect me.