On my way home from work today I was listening to Placebo.. I thought I was listening to something else, but obviously I was the control group.

Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story? Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.

Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it’s complicated.

Yo mama so dumb she tried to minimize a 9 variable function to a sum of products wit a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm

A Mexican magician says… …that he’ll disappear on the count of three. “Uno… dos…” **POOF!!** He disappeared without a tres.

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

Did you hear about the gangster panda? It eats shoots and leaves.

Q5: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?

People who text back instantly. Keep it up, I like that sh1t.

If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?