“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!” TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

Thanks honey for rolling over at 3am and telling me I should get some sleep.In my insomnia stupor that hadn’t crossed my mind.

Why do no communists drink Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Facts and science no longer matter. Remember the Renaissance? This era is the opposite of that.

So my freind told me he works at a music store. Sounds fun

I recently bought a spinning chair… My girlfriend was super pissed about my purchase. Until I let her sit on it. I guess you could say she… *came around*.

Did you hear that someone put a hole in the fence at the nudist beach? Don’t worry, the police are looking into it.

Fish Joke of the Day I want to krill myself.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali–Democrats do that

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Virgos don’t have time to change their own lightbulbs. They’re too busy changing them for everyone else.