My ex-girlfriends all did me dirty like the first 25% of a Netflix loading screen. I was repeatedly tricked into thinking there was a connection

Why did no one like the Eskimo accountant? Because he was cold and calculating.

If animals took over the world, what would be they’re first decree? O’LAMACARE!!!!!

They say Ronda Rousey isn’t much of a wrestler… But you’ll be amazed when you see her box.

What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer.

What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, I did the twist. They played “Jump”, I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”…I got kicked out for that one.

I’ve recently admitted to being a masochist. The realization has been painful, but I like it.

There’s a great horse joke I’d like to trot out… But it’s lame 🙁

And yet, despite the look on my face, you’re still talking.