Why is it never safe to tell a joke about corn? A corn has ears.

It’s too beautiful to stay inside today. That’s why I moved my bed closer to the window.

“Avocado Kedavra” -Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

China has a new mid-range rocket called the ‘Dong Feng’… …there is another rocket under development called the ‘Pon.’

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t be done. Case closed, fellas.

What do call it when actor Charles Dance tries to flirt? Dance moves.

My girlfriend is a porn star. She’ll be mad when she finds out.

What happened to the man who sent a group of crows to the insane asylum? He went to jail because he commit a murder.

Why does Sean Connery have no money and a beard? Because he’s no good at shaving.

Why did the meteorologist bring a bar of soap to work? He was expecting showers.