if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.

How many Police Officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know, they were too busy beating up the room for being black.

What do you call a man with just a nose? No body nose man. Hue hue hue.

Dear People of The World, I don’t mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.

What does a buff zombie want? Gaaaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnnnssssss.

That’s the difference between tech support and a mass shooter? One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?” — “SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!” — “SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?” — Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Last night while texting and driving i ran over a kid on his bike I know it’s terrible but we all do stupid shit when we’re drunk.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean… nothing it just waved *i am not original just funny

How did Spartacus feel about going down on his wife? He was gladiator