I never miss my girlfriend… I can hit her every time.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar. You can stop sacrificing goats now.

My son also calls crystal meth, “Cwistal Math”! A-dorable! 😉

Did you hear Peter Dinklage got pickpocketed? Who would stoop that low?

Made a typo writing this report and stumbled on the worst joke. Database Administrator: I love my database so much, you could say she’s my databae.

Waiter: Ready to order? Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur? W: … M: … W: … M: Whiskey.

How did the lion lose at poker? He was playing with a cheetah.

First Cannibal: “Have you seen the dentist?” Second Cannibal: “Yes he filled my teeth at dinner time.”

What’s the difference between a nun on her knees and a nun in the bath? One has hope in their soul, the other has soap in their hole

All that Felix proved Sunday was that Red bull does not give you wings… You must use a parachute