A cannibal went for a walk… …and he passed his brother

HOLY SHIT I JUST CORRECTLY GUESSED A WIFI PASSWORD AM I JESUS?

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

The person who took my sneakers while I was on the jumpy castle at McDonald’s Please grow up.

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

Text me once, shame on you. Text me twice, congratulations, we are now trapped in an infinite emotional prison.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off 😉

What do you call an road construction aardvark? A tarredvark!

How many Norwegians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 7

How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb None, they just beat the room for being black.