5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. Both times she said no

What do a wicked stepmother and a gag reflex have in common? They both keep you from getting to the ball!

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper trousers, paper shirts and a paper hat… He was arrested for rustling.

Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle… The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they’ll actually pick it up.

Judge: You’re sentenced to death. You’ll be hung. Wife from the back: HE’S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

My parents are both bisexual, but I never really felt loved or wanted around the house. I guess I am a bit of a by-product.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half-way. Wokka wokka!

Which fraternity was George Lucas in during College? Psi Phi.

Hillary Clinton Style Condoms! *Rigged for her pleasure*

When should you feed milk to a baby elephant ? When it’s a baby elephant !