Here we go, funniest joke I know… So a man wins a divorce settlement.

She wears short skirts I eat pizza She’s cheer captain And I’m still eating pizza

Whats worse, being a vegan inmate or non vegan? Or non vegan inmate* Depends on whether you want to eat meat or toss salad.

How do you make a baby politician cry? How do you make a baby politician cry. Take away his slush-y fund.

How did the detective solve his cold-case? He put it in a conviction-oven.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

[Date] Him: I don’t trust myself around you Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

What did the Priest say to the Church of Vegetables? Lettuce pray.

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.