Whenever teachers say ‘show your work’, just write a bunch of numbers down and hope they’re tired that night.

My relationship is like 2 Girls 1 Cup It started off beautifully but got shitty real quick.

what kind of pants does the godfather wear? al pa-chinos

My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.

A homeless guy just gave me some change. Note to self: When in public, wear pants.

A neutron walks into a store Neutron : “How much is this pack of gum” Store Clerk : “For you it’s no charge”

My favorite knock knock joke Knock Knock Who’s there I eat mop I eat mop who. Say it out loud.

Some people have trouble sleeping… …but I can do it with my eyes closed…

I just did absolutely nothing for this Klondike Bar.

Why did the bear eat his own arms? They were made of honey.