Everyone is wondering if Biden will jump into the 2016 race He’s just Biden his time.

“Um guys wait seriously you guys I feel like we should be going the other way they’re shooting at us? Um guys?!” –horses going into battle

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house* There. That should keep ’em out.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

coining “twoosh”, a contraction of tweet-swoosh. It’s when your tweet hits exactly 140 characters sans editing. Nothing but net.

A Women Asked “What Is The Best Way To Avoid Clickbait?”

[typing] Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE? Wife: 2nd. Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated? Wife: No. Why? Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

Told by the driver of the bus we were on Driver: so you hear president obama is in the hospital right? Us: no we didnt Driver: he cant stop putin