What do you call a girl who’s sitting in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is on fire? Bernie.

Why did the contraceptive fly across the room? It got pissed off. . (I’ll get my coat…)

Did you hear about the gay midget? he just came out of the cabinet.

Nicholson: You want answers?! Cruise: I want the truth!! Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

*batman voice* Alfred, my bat-wang is stuck in my bat-zipper. Bat-help.

Judge: “Micky, I can’t grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse, because she is not crazy” “I didn’t say she was crazy Judge, I said she was fucking Goofy”

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

Why does the dog go to the gym? He wants to get ruff

My favorite oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp. 2. Act natural. 3. Boneless ribs. 4. Civil war. 5. Freezer burn. 6. Adult male. 7. Happy marriage.