What do they call soda in Rome? Pope.

Q: What kind of snake is good at math? A: An adder.

Why is my girlfriend like a deep fat fryer? They’re both dangerously hot and belong in the kitchen.

“Black Lives Don’t Matter,” Said the nihilist.

Some people doubt my memory But I can remember last year as if it were yesterday.

I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”

“Going to a job interview? Wear a beret…” “A beret?” “Yeah. They’ve been statistically proven to help you get a job by a million percent.” “Right…and who did this study?” “….France.”

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? Dubai doesn’t like the Flinstones but Abu Dhabi do

Harambe walks into a bar. Bartender: What will you be having to drink? Harambe: I’ll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice? Me: Yes, justice for Harambe.

Yesterday Bill Clinton called Hillary, “the ablest person I’ve ever worked with.” Well, I can see why he’s a hit with the ladies.