Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Why do trees shed their leaves in fall? Because they’ve had their chloro-fill.

What did pirate say when he turned 80? AYE MATEY

What’s the difference between tired and exhausted? When you run in front of a car you get tired. When you run behind a car you get exhausted.

What do you call a giant squid who runs a tow service in Indonesia? A Kraken-towa!

Maybe I misheard him… But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’

first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this ‘burn your house down’ spell works every time

[tv interview] did you get upset? “that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself” don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

What do you call a good looking girl in Wisconsin? A Tourist!