“honey don’t you think you’re treating one of our kids unfairly?” “who? Tim, Felix or the fat one?”

“I caught a twenty pound salmon last week.” “Were there any witnesses?” “There sure were. If there hadn’t been it would have been forty pounds.”

I like musical dramas. They really strike a chord with me.

Price of 2×4’s : 9$. Price of some nails: 3.50$. Price of a hammer:15$ The world after a Crucifixion: Christless.

I just watched Harry Potter for the first time and it was a little unrealistic I mean, a ginger with two friends?

On the tombstones of Buddhists, it’s always ‘RIP’. I always thought it was ‘BRB’

What’s up with these strippers not taking my singles??? They must not like Kraft

My life would be so much easier if i wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how fucking stupid some people are.

If this tweet gets 5 retweets, I will threaten a public official on Facebook.

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.