I hate Mexican jokes… They always cross the line.

My beard has grown so much. It’s time to … shampoo.

[3 days into dieting] *sees ad for burger & fries* *drowns in his own saliva*

What do you get when you cross a lake with a deflating raft? Halfway.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Let’s Play Horse I’ll be the front end and you be yourself.

My girlfriend doesn’t know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That’s all I’m spending on her for Christmas. So far, she’s only getting a McChicken.

what’s the best part of living in Sweden? Well, the flags a big plus. edit: FUCK meant Switzerland

what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? “see you next month!”

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand She’ll love it