*Does something bad* Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom ships? So they can see the old French navy.

A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing flaming feces at zoo employees. Three of the zoo employees were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start? *raises hand* Me: Is “harass” one word or two? F: Me: Thx

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris’ misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas and you will still die.

On an analog clock, 6:30 is the best time of day… Hands down

An irishman walks out of a bar .

2 potatoes standing on the street corner how do you tell which one is the slut? The 1 that says I da ho

Saw a bumper sticker with a gun and “I don’t call 911!” Jesus. I hope his wife doesn’t fall down the stairs. “Sorry darlin’.” -*BLAM BLAM*

Why doesn’t a rooster wear underwear? becuase his peckers on his head