Arnold’s new tell all book. Arnold Schwarzenegger just wrote a new tell all book because no one could understand his audio book.

[deathbed] ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die SON: I made this [hands me cake] ME: No! [dies] CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

What do vegetarian worms eat?? Linda Mcartney

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work* I love you too, babe! [later] Where’s my credit card? Son of a..

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

How do you make a Hindu self destruct? Press the red button

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Cork ! Cork who ? Cork and beans !

My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.” I wish I’d thought of that quote.

My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida. I call it “No air conditioning”.