Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you’re at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?

What does a dog get at the vet? [FIXED]

What’s worse than a talking parrot joke? The Holocaust.

Did you hear about the girl who was found masturbating while on her period? She was caught red handed

I went to a library… and asked the librarian if they had a book on Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat. She said, “Well it rings a bell but I’m not sure if it’s there or not.”

I would never let MY child act like that. -things my friends without kids say.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret. YES MY CHILD Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

Where does beef come from? Cowschwitz.

911: I’d like to report a Twief! 911: What? A Twurglar! 911: I don’t follow You can’t catch em like that. Hurry they’re getting stars!

I wrote a poem today! Half of it is true. The other half is just a bunch of lies to make it rhyme.