My friend asked me if he was gay… I didn’t know how to give him a straight answer.

I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Two very unhappy animals.

One liners Come on /r/jokes, what are your favourite one liners, here’s mine: I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia!

I’m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn’t looking, I can turn water into Sprite.

I like my men like I like my chess players… They know how to make an opening.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipe.

What did Khloe Kardashian do for a vegetable? Broke up with James Harden

An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

If you honestly think I want to hear about the details of your dream you’re still fucking dreaming.