What is life like for a wood worm ? Boring !

“I feel like 790,000 bucks!!” Said a woman feeling like a million bucks.

What do you get when you throw a Pokeball at a Pakistani? A Pakimon.

I was fired from my job for placing the vegetables in sexually suggestive ways Apparently you can’t do that if you’re a specials-eds teacher

Dear Kids, “16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

What does an omnipotent God do with his penis? Fuck all.

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.

Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough

One day a man met three beggars. To the first he gave a dime to the second a dime and to the third a nickel. What time was it? A quarter to three.