Have you heard about the new drink, the hurricane Sandy? It’s a watered down Manhattan.

[on Mars] ASTRONAUT: An alien! MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so A: I choke slammed it MC: What? A: Another one! MC: DO NOT CH A: [choke slam noises]

I don’t think this girl on Facebook will “survive” the 2nd day of her diet.. I’ll keep you posted.

RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop’s camera. Died of boredom

What does a zen ghost say? Boo, duh…

I like my women as I like my classical regression model estimators: consistent, efficient, and fucking unbiased.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

What sound does a Turkey make? “coup coup”

“I thought I’d thaw a pussy cat.” — dogs deciding what to take out of the freezer for dinner

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.