Burn victims never travel alone They always stick together

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

“Lights on, or lights off?” he asked me. I said, “Just give me the prostate exam, please.”

My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man. Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both

What is Hitler’s favorite type of car? A fuhrari

Do you know what’s fucking intense? Camping with your girlfriend.

Why are women dressed white on their wedding day? because all good kitchen appliances come in white.

It’s become so annoying at weddings, when elderly relatives start playing the game of “I wonder who’ll be next”… …so I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked? A Seatbelt!