I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.

When I tell people I don’t speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home

Reason for ER visit: Injured in a masturbatory frenzy Again.

Two parrots are sitting on a Perch One says to the other “Can you smell fish?”

What do you call ‘a woman’s understanding’? Misunderstanding

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

why does a fly hang upside down ? to take the weight of its feet.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall? A year in prison if there’s any justice.