How do you get a fat person into bed? Piece of cake.

First boy: My dad saw a horrible witch and didn’t turn a hair! Second boy: I’m not surprised – your dad’s bald!

What did Jay-Z call Beyonce before they got married? Feyonce

Hey! It’s Cyber Monday… a/s/l?

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

I got mugged last night! My assailants made off with everything from my shoes to my mood ring… I still don’t know how I feel about that.

I made up a color in my head today. It was a pigment of my imagination.

I like my wine like my women 11 years old and locked up in my cellar

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

No Wonder black people are so fast! Having a 3rd leg really helps.