What do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal

[at ER] ME: my stomach hurts. DOC: have you been able to eat anything today? ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

I bought some blonde paint. It isn’t very bright but it spreads easily.

How come ants don’t go to the church? They are in sects.

Trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous, so I’m slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It’s working, she’s been staring at me

I wish prostitutes would learn a lesson from eBay …and do away with insertion fees.

There aren’t enough hours in the day to put off the things I don’t want to do

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Stop it with the Apple Hate Jokes. You’re making the doctors come back again.

Oedipus teasing… Oedipus passes near the hill and sees Sisyphus rolling the boulder up that hill. Oedipus (to Sisyphus): How’s it goin’? Sisyphus: Shut up, motherfucker.