If you’re going to insist I get you a wedding gift, then I’m going to insist you bail me out when I get caught shoplifting it.

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush

How do people approach their crush I don’t even have the guts to ask for an extra ketchup in McDonald’s?

Why can’t astronauts stay in a long term relationship? They need space.

What’s the difference between a tuna and a piano? You can tuna piano but you cannot piano a tuna.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

What did the blonde do after she combed her hair? .. She pulled her pants up.

Now do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.