If Yao Ming decides to a get cat, he should name it Meow Ming.

I guess it’s time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out…

[priest bends over my coffin seductively revealing a thong to the entire funeral]

I would show you a Liszt of all the music jokes I know… But to be Franck, I don’t think you could Handel them!

I once heard a story of a man who played Destiny, trying to get the greatest boots of all time, named The Dubstep Grieves. He died waiting for the drop.

Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don’t know what he looks like.

Did you hear about the adult entertainment business for religious visionaries? It was really successful – the prophets just kept on coming

Johnny: Will you marry me? Jenny: You have to ask my father first. Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him. Jenny: And what did he say? Johnny: He said he’s already married.

I’m so bored with life, I’ve decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish. I’m past caring.

A man walks into a bar… …ouch