Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

[Brings date home] O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue? Anyone can tuna piano, but nobody can piano a tuna!

Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.

[BDSM] I accidentally flogged another dominatrix’s client Oops, wrong sub

You Gotta Hand It To Leave Brits They were so concerned about immigrants ruining their economy that they preempted it and ruined their economy themselves.

The only drinking problem I have is not having enough money to keep buying it.

Guy in orchestra was charged with manslaughter Police state that he had a history of reckless violins.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

(slightly dirty) What’s the difference between a striptease artist and a trapeze artist A trapeze artist has a cunning stunt….