Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out?

Why people use Twitter: because updating 100 times a day on Facebook is not socially acceptable.

I can totally relate to the plight of the homeless. I once gave up Twitter for five whole days.

Two more nuns Two nuns in a bath. First one says “where’s the soap?” Second nun says “yeah, it does doesn’t it.”

Idiots beating you down Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

I’ve haven’t made up my mind on masturbation… …on one hand it feels good.

What’s black and sits at the top of stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.