Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

What’s the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter? One of them left the chamber alive.

What do you call a bitchy midget who can get to places quickly? A shortcunt.

Trump is too politically incorrect, Hillary is too politically correct Yet they’re both incorrect for politics

Why do trash pandas always get into a fight? They trash talk.

Mom: Time to wake updog. Son: *groggily* What’s updog? Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u? Dad (from hallway): OWNED

How are people from Kentucky like flour? They’re inbred.

Mcdonalds will be serving a new burger which you cant touch. Its called the Mchammer.

Literal People Anonymous Welcome to Literal People Anonymous, would everyone please take a seat. NO, WAIT! BRING THOSE CHAIRS BACK!

What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone? a Snapping Turtle