[at the gym] ME: Hey, can you spot me? GUY: Sure, which machine? ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Two cows walk in to a bar… Then one of the cows says: “*Mooooo*”, then the other replies, “*Fuck, I was supposed to say that*”

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, “Do you spit or swallow?” I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes? (xpost r/imgoingtohellforthis)

A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, “Where were you between four and six?” I said, “Kindergarten.”

If I ever see a shark I won’t be attacked. Because although sharks are attracted to blood in the water, they are repelled by feces.

What’s the square root of 69? Eight something.

Why was Plutarch considered a great comedian? He was the first to practice dead-pan-delivery.

This might be a bit rascist: What do you call an African American Houdini? Black Magic

Watched a documentary about retina surgery the other day.. It was eye-opening.