When ppl I know try to explain a problem they’re having w/ someone I don’t know, I think, “when I get home I’m going to eat food & watch TV”

Two forks… Two forks were flying and one of them crashed. You know why? Because forks can’t fly. Two cows were flying and one of them crashed. You know why? He got a fork in his eye.

What’s dumber than a box of rocks The hippie that carries them around the country.

What did the potato name his son? Chip. Sorry.

Yo mama’s so mean… She has no standard deviation.

Who was the least guilty President of the them all? Lincoln. He was in-a-cent.

I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits.

The more Twitter tells me it’s over Capacity, the more I think Twitter still loves Capacity and regularly sits outside her house, weeping.

People who pariticpate in karaoke and are actually good singers are just fucking obnoxious.

While everyone is pre-occupied with the reddit CEO/admins/FPH ban, don’t forget what’s really important The New England Patriots deflated their footballs.