A Mexican magician says he’s going to make himself disappear on the count of three.. He says, uno.. Dos.. And then he vanished without a tres!

What do vacuums and woman have in common? The more you pay, the better they suck.

Saw a new machine at the gym, but could only use it for 20mins before it made me sick It was great… it had M&M’s, Skittles, you name it!

I’d rather see someone on the street coming towards me with a knife than a clipboard.

Woman: “Can you please call me a taxi?” Man: “You’re a taxi”

Why is Jeb! Bush still running for president? Because the Bush family thinks that no child should be left behind.

Black Friday sales keep getting earlier and earlier Ferguson got a huge jump on things this year.

I pick up hitchhikers cause then when I’m pulled over the weed is his.

So Aliens Arrive “Earth has a species with advanced warfare, they seem intelligent.” “No, they have it aimed at themselves.”

Did you hear the one about Sandusky at the beach? A father walked up to him and said, “get out of my sun!”