What is common between my ex-wife and my last job? They don’t suck anymore.

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

You know what really grinds my gears? When I shift into third without using the clutch.

Q: What kind of television do horses like? A: Saddle-lite TV

Which group of people are the best at jazz? The Saxons!

Mike Tyson’s biggest problem was he never had a strong male role model growing up. Mike’s dad walked out on the family very early on, after Mike raped him.

What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? The Holocaust

For gods sake! You’d think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones.

Everyone has been in the Navy at least once. We all started out as a seaman

Almond Butter: For people that like peanut butter but don’t want to be happy.