If I was an author I would make my pen name… *Page Turner.*

How do you like your eggs? Over here

I’m not very religious but… I’m praying that next year there will be a Jew who can pardon me of all my crimes!

Did you hear about the Rabbi giving away hot drinks at the airport? It was Jew-tea-free

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

I had I dream I wrote The Hobbit, and Lord of the Rings trilogy. I was Tolkien in my sleep.

The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds? My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

Q. What did the cannibal’s wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A. The cold shoulder.

I’d estimate about 28% of the drugs you’ve taken were smuggled here in someone’s asshole.