How many electrons does a negatively charged oxygen atom have? Nion

Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall all the time… I said maybe

I hold the U.S. indoor record for waiting in the house until my neighbors go back inside.

Why can’t blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

I’m in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they’re both on their way to tell my husbands.

ME: *sees a puppy* BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Everyone’s unique! For instance, I like milk in my coffee, but other people are dying of malnutrition.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.