[murder trial] LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes? COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

The Titanic was built to last, let that sink in.

Someone asked me to stop singing wonderwall I said maybe

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

I was once a man trapped in a woman’s body. Then my mother gave birth to me

Woman sends emotional text that’s 5 paragraphs long. Man responds with “k.” Woman spontaneously combusts.

What is the definition of confusion? Father’s day in Harlem

When you wish upon a star, planets are being scorched and destroyed billions of miles away but that’s okay because YOU’RE IMPORTANT.

You’re 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, “I’m fine” than when you are flying on an airplane.